Can I Drive This Truck Over That Bridge? Pt 3 of 3 - Relational Capital & Energy

In the last two posts on this topic (Part 1 and Part 2), I talked about deciding when to deal with conflict by asking the question: Can I drive this truck over that bridge? The truck is the conversation--and the more difficult the issue the heavier the load. This post deals with the last 2 of 4 sub-questions that help me decide when to press the gas pedal and launch into a confrontation.

MAKE IT UP THE BRIDGE

3. Do I have the relational capital to issue this challenge?

Compare the "weight" of the challenge and the "strength" of the relationship. The stronger your relationships, the heavier the load you can carry on your truck.

 

One way that helps me is to think about my relationship like a bank account. The more I do to encourage, help, and serve the other person, the more I have in the account. But when I criticize, correct, or hurt the other person, I make a withdrawal. Make sure that you have enough in your account to cover the cost of the conversation. If you attempt too much, your check can bounce, so to speak, and not only do they not change and grow, but they usually charge your relationship an extra fee for reaching too far.

Or, to return to our main metaphor, not only does the truck not get there, it breaks the bridge and crashes into the water. You're worse off than when you started.

 

MAKE IT DOWN THE BRIDGE

4. Does my client have the energy to implement this change?

Change requires energy. Have you ever started working on a new habit, only to quit 3-4 weeks later? It's likely that you didn't change your mind--you still wanted to make the change. But you ran out of the energy to keep working on it.

For years, I tried to implement morning exercise habits and never made it past 2-3 weeks. I wanted to do it, but among my mistakes, I didn't pay attention to the energy required.

This is one of the reasons that I'd recommend tackling one issue at a time. It is possible to convince someone who trusts you to attempt to change far more than they have the energy to actually pull off. You'll get the truck up the bridge, but crash with success almost in your grasp.

  

CONCLUSION

In the end, like a real truck driver, you don't get paid for driving almost the whole way and losing your cargo in the river. You drive the truck so you can get to your destination, not just to see what happens. How often in your confrontations have you driven a truck into the river? Which of the four supporting questions is the one you most often forget?

What's the one change you can make to increase your chances of truly helping others grow when you offer challenging feedback?

Can I Drive This Truck Over That Bridge? Pt 2 - Heavy Loads & Permission

Confrontations don't have to be so risky. In my last post, I challenged you to think about when you confront, not just whether you're right. And I revealed the question that has made a huge difference to the confrontation conversations in my life:

Can I drive this truck over that bridge?

In the last post, I offered some principles that change how you think about hard conversations. In this post, I'm going to dive deeper into the diagram and help make it very clear how to when it's the right time to confront.

Specifically, there are four questions I ask. Their answers add up to the final answer to the big question above:

LOAD THE TRUCK

1. How challenging to the other person is the issue I'm bringing up?

 

The more emotionally difficult the issue is, the "heavier" the load in your truck and the stronger your bridge (relationship) needs to be.

 

In general, start with the easiest issues and as you experience success your relationships and their maturity grows. You can then work your way up to the heaviest issues.

 

Also, I strongly recommend taking one load at a time (dealing with only one issue). We all have multiple areas of our lives that need improvement and change. But the best people developers I know accept us before we fix all our issues AND therefore have the freedom to challenge us to work on only one or two substantial changes at a time.

 

CHECK WITH THE BRIDGE GUARD

2. Do you have permission to proceed?

Just because you see an issue doesn't mean you are allowed to address it. And just because you have permission in one area of life, doesn't mean you have it in another. Correction without permission feels like an attack. Ask permission and respect their answer. (Note roles like being a boss or a parent have built in permissions--even obligations--to offer challenges. The other 3 questions need to be addressed, but this one should be clear for them.)

 

Note: Sometimes you have to proceed anyway. There is a place for major life interventions, when someone is about to ruin their life long-term. It's like trying to jump the truck over the bridge. Oh, and it's about as easy to do successfully as it would be to really jump a huge 18-wheeler over a bridge. Do it only when you really believe there is no other choice and the rest of their life hangs in the balance.

In my next (and final post on this diagram/metaphor), I'll cover the last two sub-questions.

 

Can I Drive This Truck Over That Bridge? Confrontations- Part 1

Confrontation conversations are hard. They rarely go well and most people don't like them. But what if you could dramatically increase your success rate?

Most advice on this focuses on what to say. This is important, but not the whole picture. I used to believe that the truth was sufficient all by itself. If I shared truth in love, then the confrontation should be successful. But it didn't always work. In fact, it often didn't work. Something beyond the content of my correction made a big difference. (Of course, that's assuming I was always right--which would be bad assumption.)

This post is about a part of the confrontation that most people don't think enough about. Not only do you need to think about what to say, you need to be mindful about when you say it. Even the most carefully crafted conversation can go wrong if you do it at the wrong time.

 

I use this question to decide when to confront: Can I drive this truck over that bridge? 

There are some special relationships that I think have special rules, such as marriages or your boss--and yes, those are supposed to be two different relationship categories. :) But for the vast majority of relationships, I think about a truck on a bridge.

First, take a good look at this diagram--which not only has a truck and a bridge, but a cute bird. (It's a picture with something for everyone.)

 

BASIC DEFINITIONS

• The truck: the issue/problem you need to talk to the other person about
• The bridge: the strength of your relationship with the other person
• Driving the truck successfully across the bridge: the other person receives your challenge and growth happens (enter the cute birds singing)
• Driving onto the bridge, the bridge breaking, and the truck crashing into the river: the other person rejects your correction--no positive change and a good bit of frustration on both sides

Big Idea 1: Having a hard conversation is about helping the other person grow.

It's not about venting your emotions so you feel better. Success--getting to the other side of the bridge--is helping them change and grow, not you feeling better. Usually, the better job you do blowing off steam and feeling vindicated, the worse job you've done helping the other person grow.

Big Idea 2: Readiness is defined by the other person, not yourself.

You've prepped your content and are eager to correct--but it's not about your readiness. Yes, get that ready. But then pay attention to their state of mind and your current relationship with them.

Confrontations are much more successful when they are about helping the other person, not making life easier for you. 

Big Idea 3: You can never MAKE someone change.

No matter how well you prepare for confrontations, you will not achieve 100% success. You do have the responsibility to do your part well. But perfection on your part does not remove their part--personal choice. Even Jesus, the perfect man in my faith, had one of his hand picked disciples (Judas) choose not to reconcile in the end. Allow others the same right you want for yourself. Don't try to choose for them. And don't make other's choices your measure of success. Take responsibility for handling your part well--their response is between them and God.

In the next post, I'll show you some "sub-questions" I use to really decide whether I can drive the truck over the bridge (and I'll talk more about the details of the diagram, like the pillars on the bridge).

 

Your Great Advice Ignored (How To Avoid This)

Unsolicited advice is received as judgment.

I know, you're just trying to help. And you probably have really good advice.

But if they haven't asked for your advice, then your attempt to share it--even when it's helpful--makes the other person feel judged. There may be moments in someone's life that requires a forceful intervention experience--where you don't wait for them to ask. But think about the times you've offered advice before they've asked. Are they thanking you? Are they even doing what you recommended?

Think about your own experiences. When someone surprises you with advice, how do you feel? Sure, if you've asked for it, it doesn't bother you at all. Or if you've set up a friendship that has a standing request for advice to be shared, then it's no big deal. But if you're not looking for it, your advice giving can make them feel as if they're supposed to live their life the way you want--that you have the answers and they don't. The likelihood of them following the advice is very low.

Advice rejected not only wastes time, but costs your relationship.

So are we just supposed to sit back and watch our friends make mistakes, saying nothing? Doesn't being a good friend mean pointing out errors? Does choosing silence mean condoning their actions?

I'm not saying no giving advice ever. I'm saying only offer advice where advice is wanted.

God doesn't overload us with all that we're doing wrong. How he approaches the problems in my life--and everyone I've ever asked about this--reveals His tremendous restraint. Though there are probably 10,000 areas I need to improve, He's usually only pressing on 1-3 at a time. And when I deal with those, we move on to the next. Year after year, as I grow, I discover more areas that I had no idea were problems.

If God, who has more than earned the right to speak in my life, does not point out everything I'm doing wrong when I do it, then I can learn the same restraint and speak only when invited to--by the other person or by the Holy Spirit.

There may be time when you do need to speak up anyway, though. The bigger the consequences, the greater the chance you should propose your advice without invitation. If their entire life (or someone else's life) is on the line, you should offer your input no matter what. But as you reduce the impact, you stop needed to offer the advice.

I don't have a hard rule on where the cutoff point is--when you sit back vs. speak up. It depends on the kind of relationship you have, the maturity of the person, the size of the consequences, what God may be telling you, and the emotional state that you and the other person is in. But when in doubt, be a little more restrained than aggressive. The respect you show through restraint will earn you the invitations to offer your advice much more than jumping at every chance to show that you know what they should do.

And then your advice will be received and actually make a difference.