Can I Drive This Truck Over That Bridge? Pt 3 of 3 - Relational Capital & Energy

In the last two posts on this topic (Part 1 and Part 2), I talked about deciding when to deal with conflict by asking the question: Can I drive this truck over that bridge? The truck is the conversation--and the more difficult the issue the heavier the load. This post deals with the last 2 of 4 sub-questions that help me decide when to press the gas pedal and launch into a confrontation.

MAKE IT UP THE BRIDGE

3. Do I have the relational capital to issue this challenge?

Compare the "weight" of the challenge and the "strength" of the relationship. The stronger your relationships, the heavier the load you can carry on your truck.

 

One way that helps me is to think about my relationship like a bank account. The more I do to encourage, help, and serve the other person, the more I have in the account. But when I criticize, correct, or hurt the other person, I make a withdrawal. Make sure that you have enough in your account to cover the cost of the conversation. If you attempt too much, your check can bounce, so to speak, and not only do they not change and grow, but they usually charge your relationship an extra fee for reaching too far.

Or, to return to our main metaphor, not only does the truck not get there, it breaks the bridge and crashes into the water. You're worse off than when you started.

 

MAKE IT DOWN THE BRIDGE

4. Does my client have the energy to implement this change?

Change requires energy. Have you ever started working on a new habit, only to quit 3-4 weeks later? It's likely that you didn't change your mind--you still wanted to make the change. But you ran out of the energy to keep working on it.

For years, I tried to implement morning exercise habits and never made it past 2-3 weeks. I wanted to do it, but among my mistakes, I didn't pay attention to the energy required.

This is one of the reasons that I'd recommend tackling one issue at a time. It is possible to convince someone who trusts you to attempt to change far more than they have the energy to actually pull off. You'll get the truck up the bridge, but crash with success almost in your grasp.

  

CONCLUSION

In the end, like a real truck driver, you don't get paid for driving almost the whole way and losing your cargo in the river. You drive the truck so you can get to your destination, not just to see what happens. How often in your confrontations have you driven a truck into the river? Which of the four supporting questions is the one you most often forget?

What's the one change you can make to increase your chances of truly helping others grow when you offer challenging feedback?

Can I Drive This Truck Over That Bridge? Pt 2 - Heavy Loads & Permission

Confrontations don't have to be so risky. In my last post, I challenged you to think about when you confront, not just whether you're right. And I revealed the question that has made a huge difference to the confrontation conversations in my life:

Can I drive this truck over that bridge?

In the last post, I offered some principles that change how you think about hard conversations. In this post, I'm going to dive deeper into the diagram and help make it very clear how to when it's the right time to confront.

Specifically, there are four questions I ask. Their answers add up to the final answer to the big question above:

LOAD THE TRUCK

1. How challenging to the other person is the issue I'm bringing up?

 

The more emotionally difficult the issue is, the "heavier" the load in your truck and the stronger your bridge (relationship) needs to be.

 

In general, start with the easiest issues and as you experience success your relationships and their maturity grows. You can then work your way up to the heaviest issues.

 

Also, I strongly recommend taking one load at a time (dealing with only one issue). We all have multiple areas of our lives that need improvement and change. But the best people developers I know accept us before we fix all our issues AND therefore have the freedom to challenge us to work on only one or two substantial changes at a time.

 

CHECK WITH THE BRIDGE GUARD

2. Do you have permission to proceed?

Just because you see an issue doesn't mean you are allowed to address it. And just because you have permission in one area of life, doesn't mean you have it in another. Correction without permission feels like an attack. Ask permission and respect their answer. (Note roles like being a boss or a parent have built in permissions--even obligations--to offer challenges. The other 3 questions need to be addressed, but this one should be clear for them.)

 

Note: Sometimes you have to proceed anyway. There is a place for major life interventions, when someone is about to ruin their life long-term. It's like trying to jump the truck over the bridge. Oh, and it's about as easy to do successfully as it would be to really jump a huge 18-wheeler over a bridge. Do it only when you really believe there is no other choice and the rest of their life hangs in the balance.

In my next (and final post on this diagram/metaphor), I'll cover the last two sub-questions.

 

Can I Drive This Truck Over That Bridge? Confrontations- Part 1

Confrontation conversations are hard. They rarely go well and most people don't like them. But what if you could dramatically increase your success rate?

Most advice on this focuses on what to say. This is important, but not the whole picture. I used to believe that the truth was sufficient all by itself. If I shared truth in love, then the confrontation should be successful. But it didn't always work. In fact, it often didn't work. Something beyond the content of my correction made a big difference. (Of course, that's assuming I was always right--which would be bad assumption.)

This post is about a part of the confrontation that most people don't think enough about. Not only do you need to think about what to say, you need to be mindful about when you say it. Even the most carefully crafted conversation can go wrong if you do it at the wrong time.

 

I use this question to decide when to confront: Can I drive this truck over that bridge? 

There are some special relationships that I think have special rules, such as marriages or your boss--and yes, those are supposed to be two different relationship categories. :) But for the vast majority of relationships, I think about a truck on a bridge.

First, take a good look at this diagram--which not only has a truck and a bridge, but a cute bird. (It's a picture with something for everyone.)

 

BASIC DEFINITIONS

• The truck: the issue/problem you need to talk to the other person about
• The bridge: the strength of your relationship with the other person
• Driving the truck successfully across the bridge: the other person receives your challenge and growth happens (enter the cute birds singing)
• Driving onto the bridge, the bridge breaking, and the truck crashing into the river: the other person rejects your correction--no positive change and a good bit of frustration on both sides

Big Idea 1: Having a hard conversation is about helping the other person grow.

It's not about venting your emotions so you feel better. Success--getting to the other side of the bridge--is helping them change and grow, not you feeling better. Usually, the better job you do blowing off steam and feeling vindicated, the worse job you've done helping the other person grow.

Big Idea 2: Readiness is defined by the other person, not yourself.

You've prepped your content and are eager to correct--but it's not about your readiness. Yes, get that ready. But then pay attention to their state of mind and your current relationship with them.

Confrontations are much more successful when they are about helping the other person, not making life easier for you. 

Big Idea 3: You can never MAKE someone change.

No matter how well you prepare for confrontations, you will not achieve 100% success. You do have the responsibility to do your part well. But perfection on your part does not remove their part--personal choice. Even Jesus, the perfect man in my faith, had one of his hand picked disciples (Judas) choose not to reconcile in the end. Allow others the same right you want for yourself. Don't try to choose for them. And don't make other's choices your measure of success. Take responsibility for handling your part well--their response is between them and God.

In the next post, I'll show you some "sub-questions" I use to really decide whether I can drive the truck over the bridge (and I'll talk more about the details of the diagram, like the pillars on the bridge).

 

Planning My Personal Retreat To Evaluate My Life & 2 Thought Provoking Agendas To Help You Plan Yours

Growth happens through evaluated experience. I know too many people (and so do you) who have lots of experiences they haven't learned from. One of the most powerful habits you can establish in your life is to regularly and systematically review your life and plan next steps forward.

So, I take 2 days a year to step aside and think hard about my life. It doesn't have to be complicated or expensive. I've done it a variety of ways, including driving to my local library and checking out their study room for the day.

Getting ready for my personal retreat this summer, I updated my agenda and thought it might be helpful to you as you plan for your next personal retreat. I recommend at least 4 hours, if you can't get a whole day. It takes time away from regular life and its distractions to do this properly.

Seriously, when is yours? Can you take 10 seconds right now and block off a day a couple of months from now (your calendar probably isn't very full once you get a month or two out). That 10 seconds could change your life.

Here's the agenda I send to people when they're taking their first personal retreat:

STARTER AGENDA

FIRST

Name your passions and purposes and ideal lifestyle

1. Who do I want to be? (think end of my life/eulogy)

Reputation

Character traits

Etc 

2. What do I want to do? (still think ideal state job/end of life perfect position)

Specific activities

Kinds of work I want to do (i.e. speak, write, travel) 

3. What legacy or impact do I want to have? (how will the world be different because of me)

Causes

World problems

Arenas of life that are impacted 

4. What God does want me to be/do/impact?

Revelation--prophecy

Biblical guidance

What is God saying right now (pray in the moment)?

SECOND

List all the possible opportunities/areas to explore

1. Make sure to really brainstorm possibilities not just existing projects/areas you already know about
2. Bucket each area of life separately (i.e. Primary Job, Personal, Other adventures outside my primary job)

THIRD

Use the results from the first group of questions above to filter through list from group 2

1. Rank order all opportunities in each area

AND/OR

Choose the top 3-5 in each area 

2. Ask the questions:

What is required of me? What commitments have I already made?

If nothing gets done at the end of the year but this will I be satisfied with my year?

If everything else gets done by the end of the year but this doesn't will I be satisfied? 

3. Make the hard choices

Here's the agenda I've just updated for me (since I'm coming into this retreat with all the information I generated from my last retreat using the above agenda):

AGENDA TWO

1. Exercise

Our brains are physical organs; we often forget that. And after an cardio workout, like running or swimming, your brain goes into super-productive mode. Thinking is clearer, faster, and learning sticks easier. Start your thinking day by firing up your brain to full speed.

2. Review of Life Purpose & Core Values
1. List each element of my purpose and each core value
2. Rate myself 1-5 on how well I'm fulfilling each
3. Make notes on why I gave myself that rating

3. Prayer/Worship
1. Reflect on results from above ratings
2. Invite God to speak to me about my life
3. Do any heart-level work needed (i.e. repentance, rekindling of purpose, etc)

4. Food/Stretch Break (nap?)

5. Review  goals for major life categories (i.e. marriage, work, health/fitness, spiritual life, etc)
1. Note any I'm off the mark
2. Evaluate any that need to re-prioritized

6. Write new goals for each life category
1. Establish a way to measure (may need to get creative: from self-ratings to asking others for input, like my wife)
2. Put habits/disciplines into my calendar for each goal
3. Set up reminders for when I'll review each goal (I have digital pages where I sum up my priorities and goals that I review weekly, monthly, etc)

Practical Thoughts:

Bring a notepad or laptop--whatever sparks more creativity and freedom for you. I much prefer to keep things digital (I don't like storing paper files at all). But I use a notepad because it feels more open/free for scribbling, scratching things out, imagining, etc. That's a totally personal preference. The point is that I always sacrifice efficiency for quality of experience when I'm doing a personal retreat. It's worth the extra thinking freedom to spend the extra 10 min later to translate my values and goals back into digital format.

Being out of your usual environment matters a lot. If you often go to your local library, go to one across town--or in the next town. If you like water, find a local lake (weather permitting). If you mountains inspire you (and have this option), go where you can see them. I've happily driven 3 hours to an amazing location for my personal retreat (I'm considering doing it again this summer).

Bring snacks. Thinking is hard work on your brain--literally. Your brain consumes 20% of your body's blood sugar--before you start thinking hard. Bring healthy snacks to keep your brain supplied with enough energy to keep going.

Allow yourself an afternoon nap. Beyond blood sugar, 95% of people (including adults) need an afternoon nap. That 3:30pm lull you have every day? Normal. We just trained ourselves to push through it. So bring an alarm of some kind and allow yourself to lay down for 20-30 min and take a short nap. You'll think clearer, faster, better if you nap.

Even if (or when) life throws frustrations, fears, or failures at you just before going on the retreat--don't cancel. Whatever excuses or fears cross your mind, tempting you to put this off until it's "easier", pain can actually be a powerful focusing experience on what really matters. Also, thinking about your whole life can put your daily frustrations in perspective. (Maybe it's time to finally do something about what's going wrong in that area of your life!)

Of course, customize these agendas to fit you better. In fact, I'd love to hear what you'd add or take off to make it better. Post your ideas as comments so we can all make our personal retreats as powerful as possible.

Remember, growth happens through evaluated experiences. When are you going to evaluate your life?